To Be or Not To Be....

... In this show.

It's hard being Catholic in a profession that's not exactly known for embracing Christian values. Sometimes, the reasons that you give for your actions (or lack of actions) are met with blank stares and utter confusion. Sometimes, people accept what you've said in front of you, and then talk to everyone about it behind your back. Rarely, people just accept it, and don't think any differently of you, and respect your decisions. This is a rarity but it does happen on occasion.

In my quest to deepen my spiritual life, I've been paying more attention to the decisions I've been making, especially in areas of my life where I've been blinded by passion. One such area is theatre. Theatre is not only what I do for a living, but it's also what I do in my spare time. It is my passion. My love and excitement for it sometimes make it difficult for me to make sound decisions based on my relationship with Christ...but I'm getting better! They say that Satan works in subtleties, and that was so apparent to me this week.

This week, I was offered a role in one of my favorite Shakespeare plays. Not only that, but the director decided to turn a wonderful male role into a female role, and that's the role it was. It doesn't happen often for actresses that we get this opportunity. The male roles in Shakespeare are usually so much better and meatier than the female roles, with the exception of Lady Macbeth and a few others. To get the opportunity to perform one of these roles is a dream. The catch with this offer was this: There is scene where the character in question removes her shirt, revealing her exposed back. Her back is to the audience at all times, with a possible side view, but the way that it's staged would not allow for anything (besides band aids) to be worn in the front. I understand the scene, understand the bit, and understand how funny this bit would be, however, I found myself wrestling with this. I'm OK with my back being exposed. I'm OK with costumes that are pretty revealing. (I've worn a lot of them in my time). This was different though. The purpose of this scene is to tease. Five years ago I wouldn't have even given this a second thought, and would have gone for it. Now, I find myself thinking about the situation in a much different light.

I'm always complaining about actresses in Hollywood having to compromise their morals to get roles. I've always said that I would never do that. No role is that important. I thought about my relationship with Christ, and how that relationship should guide this decision. Still, I found myself really struggling.

As I type this, I realize that I sound like such a prude, but that's not it. I really just felt uncomfortable with it. I found myself thinking about the teens that I work with at church, and the kids that I work with in the drama program where I work. What if one or some of them heard I was in a show and came to see me? What kind of message would it send? THAT'S what sealed the deal for me.

I ended up declining the role. This was painful for me. I love the play. I love the role. I respect the director a great deal (He's a comic genius). I miss being on stage and this would have been a fun and wonderful return for me. It was like a dream on a silver platter. In the end, all of this wasn't worth the compromise.

I don't regret the decision. I feel I made the best choice. My loyalty is to God, not to the theatre, however tempting it may be. This has shown me that I really have been growing in my faith. I had doubts that I was, but this reassured me.

In case you are wondering, the director is the rare type in this business. The one who accepted my decision without thinking any differently of me. He respected it and is still open to me doing shows with him in the future. I thank him for assuring me that you CAN still be Catholic and not shut out of this business.